When I first asked my neighbor Marvin Moonbat to give his take of what’s happening on the left side of the great divide that is American politics by posting on my site Rightwing Nuthouse, he was a little skeptical. After all, when you’re brought up to believe that conservatives have horns, tails, and drip blood from the corners of their mouths, it must be kind of difficult to not to think you’ll get your hand bitten off if you get too close. Or catch something really, really nasty.

Anyway, for a little background on Marvin, you can go here for a short bio and some history of our rather contentious relationship. An example can be found in the letter I sent inviting him to blog on my site:

My name is Superhawk and I live across the street from you. In case you’re wondering who I am, I’m the guy whose car used to have that bumper sticker “Bush in’04″ until you so kindly removed it. I didn’t mind losing the bumper sticker but did you have to take the ENTIRE BUMPER?

I’d also like to apologize for standing in front of your house on the day after the election and laughing for 6 hours. That was cruel, juvenile, and uncalled for. Two hours would have been plenty…

You get the picture.

So when I suggested we share his thoughts with Wide Awakes readers, Marvin was a little cautious. He wanted to know if the site was some kind of super secret right wing death squad run by Karl Rove to whack unruly liberals. I told him only in the most literal sense…I think. I don’t know what happens when Cao, Beth, and Raven get together. Although this is not beyond the realm of imagining (Holy Librarian, Batman! Geek Girls with Guns!)

Anyway, here for your reading pleasure is Marvin’s most recent rant.

WHO SLEPT WITH GANNON? (By Marvin Moonbat)

One of my major responsibilities as a member of the Reality Based Community (RBC) is to speculate on repugnut wrongdoing and then announce my findings before any evidence is found.

While this may sound a little odd, I would direct your attention to the debate over global warming. Or the obvious White House involvement in the 9/11 conspiracy. We in the RBC never let subjective things like “facts” get in the way of our search for truth. First of all, if we did that we wouldn’t have much of a case, would we? But more to the point, it’s important how you feel about an issue. This is what separates us from you unfeeling, uncaring wingnuts. Emotions play a vitally necessary role in uncovering the truth.

For instance, I can feel the truth surrounding the Jimmy Jeff scandal. I don’t have any evidence about some of these things yet, but know them to be true because I believe them to be. Sort of like “wishful thinking” except its better because being a member of the RBC, I’m endowed with an insight and intelligence far beyond what any wingnut would consider to be “average.” It sort of places me in a special, self-selected “aristocracy of the mind.”

Pretty cool, huh?

So I’m looking at this Jimmy Jeff scandal and saying to myself “Marvin, something isn’t quite right here.” Here you’ve got this gay escort with no journalism credentials working for a partisan rag who uses an assumed name and gets a White House press pass to lob softball questions at the President’s Press Secretary Scott McClellan. That just simply isn’t fair. Why there must be dozens of White House reporters who’d love to ask McClellan questions…you know, important, non-partisan ones like “Is the President upset with the fact that he’s murdered a million Iraqi’s and has the blood of 1500 American soldiers on his hands?

Just once I’d like to hear a reporter ask as good non-partisan question like that!

Anyway, it’s got to be obvious to anyone with half a brain-like those of us in the RBC-that Jimmy Jeff had to be sleeping around to get this kind of treatment. The only question is who? Here’s my list of probables:

Karl (The Blade) Rove

I know that by mentioning his name, I’m probably going to have my mail opened and my hard drive searched, but can anyone doubt that Karl Rove is intimately (chuckle) involved in this scandal? Nothing that goes on in the White House (or the world for that matter) is beyond Rove’s Machievellian reach. It stands to reason that since no woman would ever sleep with him (he’s pretty ugly after all) Rove has to get his jollies from somebody, somewhere. Who better than a fake newsman? In typical Rove fashion, he kills two birds with one stone. He gets a partisan hack into the press room while playing a little slap and tickle on the side.

I heard he met Jimmy Jeff in a gay Republican chat room on the internet. His handle was either “The Blade” or “The Prince.” I’m still investigating.

Dick (”Big D”) Cheney

Dick Cheney has been called “A Man’s Man” for more reasons than one! It’s obvious he swings both ways. He is, after all from Wyoming. What else is there to do in frickin’ Wyoming for God’s sake!

Piece of evidence #2; Did you ever notice that Cheney is never in the White House Press Room? He’s just too clever by half! He knows that if he ever showed up in the Press Room and the reporters saw he and Jimmy Jeff looking at each other they’d know right away that the two of them were havinga little tete a tete, so to speak. (Hee Hee!) We in the RBC are particularly good at discovering links when there’s no evidence to support them.

I think that Jimmy Jeff met Cheney at a White House Christmas party last year after Rove had tired of his little “boy toy” and passed him on to his old buddy Dick. It makes sense. Again, it’s Rovethink. He gets Cheney involved in a homo relationship and then gets to hold it over his head if Cheney tries to step out of line.

Brilliant!

The Smirking Bonobo

Well…why not? In case you didn’t know, Bonobos are closely related to chimapanzees but have a different social structure. They use sex to solve problems in the group. Sort of like Chloe and me. Whenever we have a problem, we screw like rabbits for three days. By the time were exhausted, we’ve forgotten what we were fighting about…or at least I’ve forgotten about it. I’m not so sure about Chloe…

Sex and power…that’s what its all about. Doesn’t matter if its with a woman or a man, everyone knows that Presidents have sex with everything and everyone. It’s the way they maintain dominance. You’ve heard the rumors about Condi and Georgie? Well, why not Georgie and Jimmy Jeff? Besides, there are other rumors I’ve heard. How about Georgie and Rummy? How else can you explain our Chimp in Chief keeping Donnie as Secretary of Defense? Or Georgie and Alberto. I mean, why else would the President name a Hispanic as Attorney General? Everyone knows wingnuts hate Hispanics. It’s got to be something else.

There are other rumors about our chickenhawk President that I’m checking out right now. If any of them pan out into full blown unwarranted speculation, I’ll let you know.

Said Rick Moran @ 1:03 pm | Permalink   

1. bwhahahaha!

   Comment by Cao — 2/25/2005 @ 1:48 pm

---

2. Conservative or unruly liberal, this stuff is funny!

   Comment by Carol — 2/26/2005 @ 7:02 pm

---

3. Satire is not one of your gifts.

   Comment by Rob — 3/2/2005 @ 4:40 am

---

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Line and paragraph breaks automatic, website trumps email, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website